To be Known...

Disclaimer: This will most likely be a long blog, if you do not have time to read this, I ask that when you do you, you will come back to read this. This weekend I attended a conference and would really like to share my heart with you. Thanks.

Psalm 139
For the director of music. Of David. A psalm.
1 O LORD, you have searched me
and you know me.
2 You know when I sit and when I rise;
you perceive my thoughts from afar.
3 You discern my going out and my lying down;
you are familiar with all my ways.
4 Before a word is on my tongue
you know it completely, O LORD.
5 You hem me in—behind and before;
you have laid your hand upon me.
6 Such knowledge is too wonderful for me,
too lofty for me to attain.
7 Where can I go from your Spirit?
Where can I flee from your presence?
8 If I go up to the heavens, you are there;
if I make my bed in the depths, [a] you are there.
9 If I rise on the wings of the dawn,
if I settle on the far side of the sea,
10 even there your hand will guide me,
your right hand will hold me fast.
11 If I say, "Surely the darkness will hide me
and the light become night around me,"
12 even the darkness will not be dark to you;
the night will shine like the day,
for darkness is as light to you.
13 For you created my inmost being;
you knit me together in my mother's womb.
14 I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
your works are wonderful,
I know that full well.
15 My frame was not hidden from you
when I was made in the secret place.
When I was woven together in the depths of the earth,
16 your eyes saw my unformed body.
All the days ordained for me
were written in your book
before one of them came to be.
17 How precious to [b] me are your thoughts, O God!
How vast is the sum of them!
18 Were I to count them,
they would outnumber the grains of sand.
When I awake,
I am still with you.
19 If only you would slay the wicked, O God!
Away from me, you bloodthirsty men!
20 They speak of you with evil intent;
your adversaries misuse your name.
21 Do I not hate those who hate you, O LORD,
and abhor those who rise up against you?
22 I have nothing but hatred for them;
I count them my enemies.
23 Search me, O God, and know my heart;
test me and know my anxious thoughts.
24 See if there is any offensive way in me,
and lead me in the way everlasting.


April 11-12, 2008.
This weekend I had the honor and privilege to attend a conference given by Beth Moore given through LifeWay. I haven't ever done a Beth Moore study nor have I read any of her books, but a friend asked me if I would like to go to this conference, so I said sure. Now, if you've been reading my past few blogs you'll know that I have been in somewhat of a spiritual desert, maybe more of a pit, and I have been doing what I can in this past few weeks to try and dig my way out of it. With the encouragement and accountability of friends as well as lots of prayer, I feel like that ditch is becoming more and more shallow. I am so excited because I feel as though the Lord has been preparing my heart for this weekend. He knew exactly what I needed to get from this weekend to help boost me along the way.

So the first evening we walked in and met up with some friends from the desert, it was wonderful seeing them. We entered into a time of musical worship led by Travis Cottrell and Praise Team. It was pretty powerful to hear over 9,000 women singing in unison to God. After that Beth came up and told us that we would be reading from Psalm 139. Apparently she's never taught from this passage and so we were all extremely excited to see what God had in store. The theme of the weekend was "To Be Known By God." The first passage was focused on verses 1-6. I think being "known by God hit me so hard because I need to be reminded that there is someone who is so much bigger than me and knows all of my wacky flaws and knows my inner most thoughts and knows what I've come from and still loves me. What was really cool was that Beth pointed out that God knows us in and out yet he does not cheat himself of searching us. She made a comparison to a relationship, we don't just pour our lives out to people when we first meet them, (most of us) we get to know someone by searching, by asking questions, by inquiring. Why would God choose to bypass such a unique experience. God also thinks that we are interesting, intriguing and worthy to be known. He knows our weaknesses. (Romans 8: 26-27 26In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groans that words cannot express. 27And he who searches our hearts knows the mind of the Spirit, because the Spirit intercedes for the saints in accordance with God's will.) God has an intimacy with us because he searches. God knows what I am capable of and knows that I am capable of more than I think or realize. As average as I think I am, God thinks differently. I realize that even though I put a happy and confident face on, I am quite insecure. I have a huge fear of rejection and that is why I have become a people pleas er. I feel like I am slowly growing out of that, but it is who I have made myself and not who God wants me to be. I know that he has called me to be a confident woman of God. One who is constantly striving for more, who is not afraid to stand up for what I believe in and can be confident in front of someone who challenges my faith because God stands by my side. His is in front, above, behind and below.

Day two consisted of two different sessions. The first going through verses 7-12. The morning was a challenge to deal with our struggles. Not just saying we've dealt with them, but getting down to the root of them, whether the struggle was with addictions of various kinds, pride, disobedience, etc. A lot of times we think we've dealt with something but really we've only touched the surface. we've trimmed the hedges instead of digging deep where we get our hands dirty and dig out the roots no matter how deep they may be. It's funny, today the gardeners came by and tore out all of the weeds that were growing in the front yard and they left them on the sidewalk to pick up later on. As I walked outside to get the mail I thought to myself, this is what I need to do... I need to dig out these weeds, from the root up and give it up to God so he can get rid of them for good. When they were in the ground they seemed to just take over everything surrounding them, it actually took away from the beautiful plants that surrounded them. but now that they are out, I can see the beauty that the Gardner intended to be. In regards to the scripture, Beth said something I've never heard before, "God can't see in the dark, He doesn't see dark." He is the light! He shines on everything, whether it means he is showing us our own faults or just shining in our happiness. He shines.

Verses 13-24. Kraus Commentary on Psalm 139:17 When you were conceived, God had reverence. Reverence... the Hebrew word for reverence is Pala meaning wonderfully; to distinguish. God took time to knit our every being. She gave some stats as to how each cell looks and what is consists of and how many we have, to the amount of blood vessels throughout our hearts. it's amazing, God did all of that, how can anyone think we just happened to evolve? She also took us to Job 10: 1; 5-8; 15-16. Job writes about how much he hates himself and would just rather die. God put us all here to glorify Him somehow and self loathing is not apart of that purpose. As women, we have struggles with our self worth at times. We can never loathe ourselves and still love God, it just can't happen. We also think that we are showing humility through our "loathing" but in reality we are often hating ourselves and that is just another form of selfishness. In Jeremiah 1: 4-6 (4 The word of the LORD came to me, saying, 5 "Before I formed you in the womb I knew you, before you were born I set you apart; I appointed you as a prophet to the nations." 6 "Ah, Sovereign LORD," I said, "I do not know how to speak; I am only a child.") God shows that he has a special love for each of us, he thinks we are precious to Him. Have you ever thought that God used baby talk with us? Telling us "look at my precious little baby." That same joy you get when you see your own child is the same joy that God has when He sees us, we are that special to him.

In the last few verses the writer speaks of hating Gods enemies. He asks God to "slay the wicked" and says he "abhors" these people, he has "nothing but hatred for them." Now, not everybody has this strong of feelings toward someone, it could be in a different form, but still, it is hate. If I am completely honest with you, I have one person that I truly hate in my life. I know that it is sinful to hate, but because of my past with this person and how I was treated, it is hard for me to find an ounce of like for this person, let alone love. It's interesting because this person has rooted their life into mine and now that they are not physically involved in my life, they are mentally. As much as I have said I have forgiven them and I no longer am affected by them is a lie. I would love to forgive them and find love for them, but I don't know how. This person was in my life for 14 years and a lot happened during that time that can scar a person. I ask for prayer because I know that I am not giving glory to God when I think of this person. He knows my heart, He know my pain, He knows how to rid me of the anger... I just need to figure it out. Beth asked us to turn our hatred into prayer and focus our energy on the Lord because it takes more energy to hate someone. It is easier to let God.
Psalm 139: 23-24 Search me, O God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. 24 See if there is any offensive way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting.

So that is it. That is the weekend in a nutshell... a rather large nutshell. It may have seemed a little random, but I hope that God was able to speak to you anyway. I am trying to implement some things in my life already so that I can be a more loving wife, mother, and overall person. I want to bring glory to God in all that I do and say. He is who will help me to rid my heart of anything yuck that remains, He knows what I need and will help me along the way.

I leave you with this song. Thank you so much for reading. Love to you all.
He Knows My Name
Words and Music by Tommy Walker
© 1996 Doulos Publishing
Jeremiah 1:5
"Before I formed thee in the belly I knew thee."
I have a Maker
He formed my heart
Before even time began
My life was in his hands
Chorus
He knows my name
He knows my every thought
He sees each tear that falls
and He hears me when I call
I have a Father
He calls me His own
He?ll never leave me
No matter where I go
Chorus
He knows my name
He knows my every thought
He sees each tear that falls
and He hears me when I call