Wednesday, January 20, 2010
Resolution? I hope not.
Well, at least it hasn't been a whole year since I last blogged, but it has been awhile. I have neglected my writing (along with a few other passions of mine) but I have good reason for it... I have a TWO year old! As you can see above, he is the cutest most fun loving little boy in the whole wide world. (In my humble opinion.) But he also takes up a lot of my attention. But that's not the reason why I am blogging today...
Every year, at the beginning of the year we have all become accustomed making a "New Year Resolution." And every year we always seem to break them. Whether it's to lose weight, quit bad habits, eat healthier, do more in our community, exercise more, blah blah blah, they all seem to fall apart by June. So with that being said, the past few years I decided to not make any more resolutions. Why set myself up for failure? Why disappoint myself by not finishing something I've started (yet again?) But this year is different. This year i needed a change, this year I really wanted to evaluate who I am and what my strengths and weaknesses are. Why? Because I'm crazy! Not really, only a little...
So here's what the Lord has been challenging me on. At one point in my life I had friendships that were so deep and intentional that we knew the ins and outs of one another lives. We did ministry together, we hung out together, we had what I like to think of as "true community." Now, 4 and a half years ago when Kirk and I moved out to Escondido I was faced with some major changes. Not only was I a newlywed, getting used to having a boy in my house all the time, but I was plucked out of my fish bowl and thrown into the big blue! I was the opposite of Nemo! It's terrifying moving to a place where you know no one and your family is no longer two minutes away. Don't get me wrong, it's the best decision that Kirk and I ever made (with God's prompting) and I couldn't imagine life without Escondido and EFCC, but here's where the struggle came in. I didn't have a job for the first 3 months or so that we lived here and we didn't have children either, so I was home, alone, while Kirk was at work. I didn't really have an area to develop relationships because I had never been anywhere where nobody knew me or my family. So I got in touch with my inner-introvert as I like to call it. (Most people who knew me in the desert would not say I am anything close to introverted, but there it was.) I was definitely lonely and really missed my friends and family in the desert so every chance we got, we were back there. Then slowly, family moved out of the desert, some friends even moved out this way, and people moved on in their life back home. It was no longer the place I needed to go to feel refreshed because I didn't have relationships like I used to there. Now don't get me wrong, the desert is still my home and I miss my Southwest family so much, even now, but things have changed.
Moving forward, slowly but surely I was able to connect with people out here, I have met some amazing people that I consider my family and could not imagine life with out them. Kirk and I have couples that we both connect to, which is super rare. And the friends that I had in the desert that are out here, truly an added bonus. We love our Esco family.
The challenge? Why am I not closer with those that I feel are my family? I love these people with all my heart, but can't seem to break through, or rather let those walls down to become open and honest about who I am. I started to ask myself how many people really "know" me. Of course people know aspects of me. There are some that I am more comfortable sharing with than others, but who is the true me? I know who I am, my husband knows who I am. But beyond that? Who are the women in my life that know my struggles? That can read me like a book? That can challenge me with out fear of offending me? The same goes for me. Who do I feel comfortable doing that with, or even allowing them that access in my life?
So what I feel God telling me I need to work on in my life is my relationships. By being intentional about who I surround myself with and also learning to be more trusting rather than scared to open my heart to others. I have a huge fear of rejection and so I suppose that's what drives me to keep most people at arms length. But I don't want to live through fear. I am a strong woman whom God has given many abilities to use to His glory.
It's been amazing seeing the confirmation that God has put in front of me, or really slapped me in the face with, because I know now that I am hearing what he wants from me so clearly that I can't turn away. The messages at church; confirmation. Leadership teams; confirmation. My husband; confirmation. And through those I have shared this desire with already; confirmation.
I really look forward to seeing how I am going to grow over these next few months. And at the same time, prepared that it is not going to be easy.I have already been on an emotional roller coaster these past few weeks and I know God hasn't even scratched the surface of what he's going to do in my life.
I share this all to ask for prayers, and through the appropriate people, accountability. Like I said, this is not a new year resolution, it's me. It's my life. And I want to honor God in all aspects of it.
I leave with this verse from The Message:
"This resurrection life you received from God is not a timid, grave-tending life. It's adventurously expectant, greeting God with a childlike "What's next, Papa?" God's Spirit touches our spirits and confirms who we really are. We know who he is, and we know who we are: Father and children. And we know we are going to get what's coming to us—an unbelievable inheritance! We go through exactly what Christ goes through. If we go through the hard times with him, then we're certainly going to go through the good times with him!"